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So I've picked up a new employment, which has become sort of a habit of mine. As with every other job I've been offered in Chile (claro), it is another version of Speaking English Professionally. In this case, I am writing and editing copy for a product's website.

It's a product made in Chile and sold in the US, online only. So essentially it's a direct marketing gig. Not generally my thing, but I can definitely use the web experience--lack of web design has been a bit of a roadblock so far, as I'm generally applying for jobs with a description like:

"Non-profit social services organization seeks General Literate Human Being with Opposable Thumbs. Duties include grant writing, copy writing, advertising, document production, initiative development, client outreach, community outreach, graphic design, designing and maintaining the organization's website, editing anything that manages to get written down, taking meeting minutes, filing things, helping the development guy when his workload explodes, helping the finance woman when her workload explodes, helping anyone at any time who has too much to do, answering the phone, making coffee, ordering office supplies, picking people up at the airport, watering the plants, choosing art for the hallway, and organizing disorganized things/people. Trilingual English, Spanish, and Chinese preferred. Salary minimum wage plus a train pass, and sometimes bagels in the morning."

So, that's my motivation (you can see why, I'm sure).

As a result, I am finding myself dealing with a side of the business world I really never intended to be involved with. It's kind of the opposite of educational not-for-profit....gloss-it-over-for-pure-profit. My training so far has involved reading lots of websites, articles, and books about marketing. They have me a bit baffled.

Some are schlocky as hell. Some are more refined. Some actually come off as intelligent. But there is one basic thing in common. The person who is writing is explaining their theory for how to sell a product or idea, generally through coercion, manipulation, use of very specific tactics, and very calculated packaging of information. Ok. That's sales, I expected as much. However, never having actually read anything about sales before, I've been finding one thing incredibly amusing. Even as the writer is explaining to you how to dupe people, he or she is using the exact same method to dupe you.

Shamelessly, generally. For instance, in one book they recommend using little lists to "engage your audience." "What do these words have in common: Plants, People, Our Fabulous Product, Whatever." Then, about two chapters later, the authors throw one of said lists into their spiel. Hmm.

In that case, at least, it might simply be a reinforcement tactic. Perhaps they are assuming the reader is intelligent and will pick up on it. However, there was another one that really had my eyebrows through my hairline. This was an online-purchased (no, not by me), "Special Edition Report" about some phrase that sounded business-y but upon inspection had no actual meaning. The whole thing was completely over-the-top. What was really fabulous, though, was that they spent a whole section explaining how your newsletter should be called a "service," subscribers or clients should always be "members," lectures and such are "workshops," and so on. They also had a long bit about how every single possible "benefit and gain" from your product should be listed in bullet point format so as to give the impression of being incredibly valuable.

They finish off their "absolutely free special report" by inviting you to become an actual "member" of their "valuable online service," mention some very excellent "workshops" that you can attend, and then provide a page and a half of bullet pointed "benefits and gains."

So. Now, obviously, there is some value in these schemes. I recognize that we, as consumers, are scarily susceptible. However, when you present me with a document that is packaged as breaking news, then tell me 80% common sense, 10% silliness, and 10% new information--while explaining to me in detail how exactly you are doing so--I am not going to be overly impressed. This has led me to believe that marketing may be a self-perpetuating loop. People who work in marketing have complete faith in their methods, therefore they are completely susceptible to other people's methods, and therefore they are all running around selling and buying marketing methods to and from each other.

I'm imagining walking into the multimillion dollar house of one of these "gurus," as they call themselves, to find it filled to the brim with slicer-dicers, handy-reachers, superdurapastes, indestructible lawn tools, and a general panopoly of late-night infomercial products.

"It's amazing!" they'll tell me. "It has fully 32 different benefits! It boils pasta, it boils carrots, it boils broccoli....."